Business Book Summary

"Crucial Conversations

Tools For Talking When STAKES are High"

By: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzle

Most of the comments included in the following text are taken word for word for the book

NOTE: Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, wrote this about Crucial Conversations: “This book goes broader and deeper into the fundamental principles of high-stakes communication…But even more important, it draws our attention to those defining moments that literally shape our lives, shape our relationships, and shape our world.”

Chapter 1 “What’s a Crucial Conversation and Who Cares?”

The authors identify crucial conversations as “a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.” (pg 3) The problem is that we usually back away from having these crucial conversations because we don’t want to make the situation worse. So, we take the easy way out…we leave a voice message rather than a face-to-face conversation or we change the subject, or we just accept the current status quo.

Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversation with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness.” (pg 5)

Crucial conversations often come out of nowhere so we are unprepared for them. Since they catch us by surprise, we’re not prepared to conduct an extraordinarily complex interaction in real time.

“Individuals who are most influential – who can get things done and at the same time build on relationships – are those who master their crucial conversations. People who routinely hold crucial conversations and hold them well are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard. Their bosses, peers, and direct reports listen without becoming defensive or angry.” (pg 10)

“Do you hold in ugly opinions only to have them tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots?”

Chapter 2 “Mastering Crucial Conversations – The Power of Dialogue”

The problem most of us make in our crucial conversations is thinking that we have to choose between telling the truth or losing a friend. (pg 22) Each person in a conversation enters with their own opinions, beliefs and feelings, and usually they differ from the other person(s). “People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool- even ideas that at first glace appear controversial, wrong or at odds with their own beliefs.” As the Pool of Shared opinions grow participates are exposed for more accurate and relevant information so they make better decisions.

“In every instance where bosses are smart, highly paid, confident, and outspoken people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk angering someone in position of power.” As people participate in the shared pool of information, they are more willing to act on whatever the decision. Conversely, when people don’t participate in the pool, when they sit back quietly or blow-up, they’re rarely committed to the final decision.

Instead of engaging in meaningful conversations, sometimes people move to silence – they don’t confront people in positions of authority. OR, the other extreme are those people who not knowing how to engage in a dialogue, try to force their meaning into the Pool of Shared learning.

“When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, we’re often at our worst. In order to move to our best we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning – especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial opinions, feelings, and ideas – and to get others to share their pools. We have to develop the tools that make if safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning. And when we do our lives change.”  (27-28)

Chapter 3 “Start with Heart – How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want”

So, how do you encourage the flow of meaning in the face of differing opinions and strong emotions?

Start with Heart – your own heart. The first step to achieving the results we really want is to fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us…’if we could fix those losers, all would be better’. Thinking like this prevents us from entering into meaningful dialogue and progress. Those who are best at dialogue tend to turn this logic around. They believe the best way to work on “us” is to start with “me”. We are the only people we can work on anyway.

People who start with heart begin “high risk discussions with the right motives and they stay focused no matter what happens.” They maintain their focus in two ways.

• They’re steely eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want
• They believe that dialogue is always an option (avoid the either/or choices) (pg 36)

“When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.” (pg 38)

• Winning – a dialogue killer. The desire to win is built into all of us and negatively impacts crucial conversations, examples - correcting facts, quibbling over details and pointing out flaws
• Punishing – as our anger increases, we move from wanting to win to wanting to harm the other person (far removed from wanting to add value to the pool)
• Keeping the peace – sometimes we choose personal safety over dialogue. “Rather than add to the pool of meaning, and possibly make waves along the way, we go silent. We are so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversations.” (39 – 40)

Ask yourself “What do I really want here” to gain focus on the desired outcome. “As conversations unfold, you often find yourself starting to defer to the boss or give your spouse the cold shoulder, pay attention to what’s happening to your objectives. Are you starting to charge your goal to save face, avoid embarrassment, win, be right or punish others? Here’s the tricky part. Our motives usually change without any conscious thought on our part. In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself – much like an outsider. Ask yourself: “What am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive? (42).

Stop and ask yourself some questions that return you to dialogue:

• What do I really want for myself?
• What do I really want for others?
• What do I really want for the relationship?

When we ask these questions we send blood to that part of the brain that helps us think and away from that part that makes us want to fight. (44)

Believe that dialogue is always an option (avoid the either/or choices) – The best at dialogue refuse to think either/or but instead set up new possibilities…instead of either/or they look for the all-important and

• Clarify what you really want – (start with the Heart – see above 3 questions)
• Clarify what you really don’t want – this is the key to framing the and
• Combine the two into an and questions that forces you to search for more creative and productive options.

Chapter 4 “Learn to Look – How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk”

When things start turning ugly, watch the content of the conversation along with the conditions (what people are doing in response). Look for and examine both what and why. If you can see why people are becoming upset or holding back their views or even going silent, you can do something to get back on track. By watching for the moment a conversation starts turning unhealthy, you can respond quickly. This dual processing (watching for content and conditions) is difficult especially when emotions are high. We get caught up in what we are saying and it can be nearly impossible to pull ourselves out. (pg 52 –53)

In order to see problems before they become too severe watch for 3 conditions; 1) the moment a conversation becomes crucial, 2) signs people don’t feel safe, and 3) your style under stress.

2.     Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations – the moment a conversation turns from harmless into crucial you’re about to enter “the danger zone”. The sooner you recognize these signs – before you get sucked into the argument - you can begin dual processing (watching for content & conditions). Notice:

• physical signs – your stomach gets tight or your eyes get dry
• emotions – some people notice they get scared, hurt or angry
• behavioral – some people raise their voice, point their finger, or become quiet

• Learn to look for Safety problems - When it’s safe, people can say anything. “Nothing kills dialogue (the free flow of ideas) like fear. When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way you start withdrawing & hiding.” (pg 55) On the other hand if you make the conversation safe, you can talk about anything.

The problem isn’t the content of your message but the condition of the conversation. When you learn to see when people begin to feel unsafe you can take action to fix it.

When people feel unsafe they start to go “blind” – their emotions crank up and key brain functions start shutting down. In fact, when you feel genuinely threatened, you can scarcely see beyond what’s right in front of you. By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and looking for signs that safety is a risk, you reengage your brain and your full vision returns” (pg 57)

The challenge is that when people feel unsafe they may begin making fun of you, insulting you, or bowling you over with their arguments. This kind of aggressive behavior causes people to view themselves as being under attack and they move right past recognize the sign that safety is at risk.

3.     Silence and Violence: When people feel unsafe they start down 1 of 2 unhealthy paths.

• Silence – “Silence is almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems.” (pg 58) The 3 most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding & withdrawing Masking – understanding or selectively showing our true opinions – sarcasm, sugarcoating and couching are common forms of masking Avoiding – steering completely away from sensitive subjects. Withdrawing – pulling out of a conversation altogether.
•  Violence – any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control or compel others to take our point of view. The 3 most common forms of violence are controlling, labeling and attacking. Controlling – coercing others to your way of thinking by either forcing you views on others or dominating the conversations. Methods include cutting other people off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation. Labeling – putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss then under a general stereotype or category Attacking – you move from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.

 Look for Your Style Under Stress – Perhaps the most difficult element to watch closely as you’re madly dual-processing is your own behavior. Unfortunately, when you fail to monitor your own behavior we can look pretty silly. You have to become a vigilant self-monitor…that is pay close attention to what you’re doing and the impact it’s having, and then alter your strategy is necessary.

Chapter 5 “Make It Safe – How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything”

If you are able to notice safety risks as they happen you can “step out of the conversation”, build safety and then find a way to talk about just anything. (pg 73) The key is to step out of the content of the conversation…don’t stay stuck in what is being said. (74) The worst at dialogue don’t recognize the other person’s need for safety. They speak whatever comes into their mind without any regard for how it may come across to the other person.

The good at dialogue recognize safety is needed but fix it in the wrong way…they sugarcoat their message. The best don’t play games. “They know that in order to solve their problems, they need to talk about their problem” with no sugarcoating, or pretending. They step out of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in. (75-76). For example, “Can we change gears for a minute? I’d like to talk about what happens when were not in synch. It would be good if we could both share what’s working and what isn’t. My goal isn’t to make you feel guilty, and I certainly don’t want to become defensive. What I’d really love is for us to come up with a solution that makes us both satisfied in our working relationship.”  (pg 76)

People become afraid not because of the content but because they believe you have a “malicious intent”. Therefore, the first condition of safety is to ensure Mutual Purpose.

 “Mutual Purpose” means that others perceive that you are working towards a common outcome in the conversation…that you care about their goals, interests and values. You can recognize when signs that Mutual Purpose is at risk when others often push their opinions into the pool of meaning because they figure you are trying to win so they need to do the same, or defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations and circling back. (77) Remember, the Mutual in Mutual Purpose. The following two questions will help you determine if Mutual Purpose is at risk

• “Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?”
• “Do they trust my motives?” (pg 77)

In creating Mutual Purpose you need to see the other person’s point of view, which will enable you to draw the other person into a conversation.

Once in a crucial conversation you can’t stay in it if you don’t have:

“Mutual Respect” – if people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to halt. “The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose – it is now about defending dignity.” (79) “To spot when respect is violated and safety takes a turn south, watch for signs that people are defending their dignity. Emotions are key. When people feel disrespected, they become highly charged.“ (79) Ask the following to determine if Mutual Respect is at risk:

• “Do others believe I respect them?”

This isn’t to say that you have to respect every person you communicate with. “Feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar” …When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find a way to respect others.”  (80)

When you notice that Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect is at risk:

• Apologize – when you make a mistake that hurts others, apologize. Be sincere. You have to sacrifice some of your ego by admitting your error.
• Contrasting is a don’t / do statement that: 1) “addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part), and 2) confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part)” (85)

Example of the don’t part – “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don’t value your work”.

Example of the do part - I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular”

Contrasting isn’t apologizing but does provide context and proportion (pg 84)

Now that you’ve addressed the threat to safety you can return to the issue of the conversation.

Contrasting isn’t apologizing but does provide context and proportion. (84, 87)

Create a Mutual Purpose – sometimes we’re in the middle of a debate because we have different purposes. Contrasting won’t work. 4 skills to create mutual purpose:

• Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose – stay in the conversation until we invent a solution that serves a purpose for both of us. Stop arguing and suspend your belief that your idea is the best (91)
• Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy – you must know what the other person’s real purposes are. “Step out of the content of the conversation – which is generally focused on strategies – and explore the purposes behind them…When you do separate strategies from purpose, new options become possible.” (93)
• Brainstorm New Strategies – “One you’ve built safety by finding a shared purpose, you should now have enough safety to return to the content of the conversation…It’s time to step back into the dialogue and brainstorm strategies that meet everyone’s needs.” (94)

Chapter 6 “Master My Stories – How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt”

No one other than ourselves make us mad, and once we’re mad we have 2 options; 1) you can act on your emotions, or 2) you can let your emotions control you.  The worst at dialogue fall prey to their emotions. The good at dialogue realize that if they don’t control their emotions things will get worse…so they “choke down reactions and then try to get back into dialogue”. The best at dialogue act on their emotions…” when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out but it’s not easy to rethink yourself from an emotional and dangerous state into one that puts you back in control.” (107)

There is a split second between the time the other person says or does something and how we feel. Step 1 – we see or hear something, Step 2- we create a “story” - the reason the person acted or said what they said. We also add judgement – was it good or bad. Step 3, based on the story we create and our judgement as to the reason, our body creates an emotion, and Step 4 – we act on those emotions.

Since our emotions are based on the story we create and our judgement we can alter our emotions by walking back the story and judgement. “If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself – even while you’re in the middle of the fray.” (111)

“Don’t confuse stories with facts.” (115) Analyze your stories and look for other possible explanations. Identify what story is creating the emotions and distinguish between actual facts and your story. Ask yourself;

• “Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?”
• “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?”
• “What do I really want?”
• “What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?” (130)

Chapter 7 “State My Path – How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively”

Often, “the more important the discussion, the less likely we are to be on our best behavior. More specifically, we advocate or express our views quite poorly.” (132) How do you encourage the flow of meaning in the face of differing opinions and strong emotions? The authors say that you need to carefully blend three ingredients – confidence, humility and skill.

• Confidence – “People who are skilled at dialogue…are confident that their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning…are confident they can speak openly.” (133)
• Humility – “Confidence does not equate to arrogance…skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input.” (133)
• Skill – “People who are willingly share delicate information are good at doing it…they’ve found a path that allows for both candor and safety.” (134)

“Despite your worst suspicions, you shouldn’t violate respect. In a similar vein, you shouldn’t kill safety with threats and accusations. So, what should you do? Start with Heart. Think about what you really want and how dialogue can help you get it. And master your story – realize that you may be jumping to a hasty Victim story. The best way to find out the true story is not to act out the worst story you can generate. Think about other possible explanations long enough to temper your emotions so you can get to dialogue.

Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can use the following 5 skills to talk about even the most sensitive topics.

• Share your facts – facts are the least controversial and make for a safe beginning. If you start with your story you may never get to the facts, especially if your story leads to an ugly conclusion
• Tell your story – as you share your thought-out story watch for signs that safety is deteriorating (the other person getting defensive) if needed, step out of the conversation and rebuild safety by contrasting (see above). Be careful not to apologize
• Ask for the Others’ Story – “if your goal is to keep expanding the pool of meaning rather than to be right, to make the best decision rather than to get in your way, willingly listen to the other views.
• Talk tentatively – meaning, “ tell your story as a story rather than disguising it as a hard fact.” When sharing a story, be confident and humble. Humble in that if “called for, you want your conclusion challenged.” (144). Be tentative not wimpy
• Encourage testing – “When you ask others to share their paths, how you phrase your invitation makes a big difference. Not only should you invite others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear that no matter how controversial their ideas might be, you want to hear them.” (146). When you invite the other persons’ view, mean it.

When we push our ideas on others, it’s often because we think we’re right and everyone else is wrong. The key is to watch to see if the other person feels their safety is deteriorating.

Chapter 8 “Explore Other’s Paths – How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up”

A review of methods from earlier chapters;

• “when you notice safety is at risk, you should step out of the conversation & restore it”
• “when you offend others through a thoughtless act, apologize”
• when “someone misunderstands your intent, use Contrasting (your intentions)
• when “you’re simply at odds, find a Mutual Purpose.

This chapter focuses on what to do when the other person blows up or goes silent. The effectiveness of your efforts will be driven by whether ‘you want to let sleeping dogs lie” – in which case you’ll do nothing. Or, you can let the other person know that it’s OK to share their thoughts. In order to create that safety in the other person you need to:

• Start with Heart and get ready to listen. Be sincere. To get their facts and stories you need to invite then to share what’s on their minds (be genuine). Be curious even though you are apt to be frustrated. Be Patient.
• Encourage Others to Retrace Their Path. When others go silent or blow up, they’re already near the end of their Path to Action, while we’re hearing them for the first time (their story is in progress), thus we’ve missed the foundation of a story.

Stage 1                  Stage 2                     Stage 3           Stage 4

The Path to Action: :   What They Think       The Story They         How They        How

   They See & Hear      Tell Themselves             Feel          They Act

We can become defensive. So, we need try to move the other person from their feelings back to the root cause. We have to listen in a way that encourages the other person to share their thoughts.

To encourage others to share their Paths to Action we use 4 powers (pg.162-167):

• Ask – I’d like to hear your opinion (you want them to express themselves). “What do you mean?” “I’d like to hear your concerns.”
• Mirror to Confirm Feelings – We mirror back to the other person their actions – most effective when the person’s tone of voice or gestures are inconsistent with their words.
• Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story – “When you get a clue why the person is feeling as he or she does you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you’ve heard. Be careful not to simply repeat what was said.
• Prime When You’re Getting Nowhere – sometimes you have to “offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling before you can expect him or her to do the same”.

When you’re in disagreement with someone it’s usually over the 5 to 10 percent of the fact and stories. So, should start with the 90 – 95% that you both agree on.

Chapter 9 “Move to Action – How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results”

The two most dangerous times in a crucial conversation are at the beginning and the end. “The beginning is risky because you have to find a way to create safety or else things go awry. The end is dicey because if you aren’t careful about how you clarify the conclusion and decisions…you can run into violated expectations later on” (pg 178)

To avoid this problem, before making a decision the participants must decide how decisions will be make…dialogue isn’t decision making. The authors ID 4 methods of decision making;

• Command – we turn decision making over to someone outside our conversation. With command decisions, our role is to implement the decision.
• Consult – decision makers invite others to provide input into decision.
• Vote – best suited when you have to choose from a number of good options.
• Consensus – can be good but can also be frustrating. It can lead to a “horrible” waste of time. Use only when; 1) stakes are high and complex issues, or 2) issues where essential that all support the decision.

When trying to decide which method to use consider these questions; 1) who cares?, 2) who knows (who has the expertise)?, 3) who must agree (who’s agreement we might need to help influence others)?, and 4) how many people is it worth involving (goal should be to involve the fewest number of people while still considering the quality of decision)?

Always decide by what method you’ll follow-up on the assignment. Don’t leave the work to your memory. Lots of work went into crucial conversation so write down the details.  (187).

Chapter 11 “Putting it All Together – Tool for Preparing and Learning”

The two skills that will have the greatest impact on increasing your skills in getting into dialogues are; 1) Learn to Look, and 2) Make it Safe.

Learn to Look: to improve your dialogue skills continually ask yourself whether you’re in or out of a dialogue. Simply asking yourself will help you determine whether you’re good or whether you need to work on getting back into a dialogue. “Are we playing games or are we in dialogue.” ( 212)

Make it Safe:  When the other person feels unsafe a meaningful conversation won’t happen. The authors identify lack of safety as the number 1 reason why meaningful conversations don’t happen. When you notice “that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it safer. Anything.”  (213)

The authors conclude this great book with the following:

“If you use these skills exactly the way we tell you to and the other person doesn’t want to dialogue, you won’t get to dialogue. However, if you persist over time, refusing to take offense, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual Purpose, then the other person will almost always join you in dialogue.”  (pg 230)