Business Book Summary

"How to Win Friends & Influence Others"

By Dale Carnegie

Most of the comments included in the following text are taken word for word for the book

 Introduction

“[e]ven in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85percent is due to skill in human engineering – to personality and the ability to lead people.”  (pg xvi)

Part 1: “Fundamental Techniques in Handling People”

Chapter 1 “If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive”

Principal #1: “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain”

Criticism puts people on the defensive, wounds their pride and sense of importance, and builds resentment, and it doesn’t result in lasting results. President Lincoln said “don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances”. “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by price and vanity.” (pg 13) Instead of condemning someone try to understand them, figure out why they do what they do.

Chapter 2 “The Big Secret of Dealing with People”

Principal #2: “Give honest and sincere appreciation”

“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything…And that is by making the other person want to do it.” (pg 17)  One of the deepest human urges is the desire to be important. Reinforcing people’s sense of importance will result in far greater long-term results than criticizing them and expecting change. “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone…I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault…I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth great effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.” (Charles Schwab).

 Praise must be genuine and not flattery, which is easily recognized as shallow and insincere.

Chapter 3 “He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way”

Principal #3: “Arouse in the other person an eager want.”

The only way to influence people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. It’s not what we want. If you don’t want your children to smoke don’t preach to them about what you want, show them that smoking will impact their ability to make the basketball team or being a great singer etc. When you want someone to do something ask yourself “How can I make this person want to do it?”

“If there is any one secret of success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” (Henry Ford) (pg35)

In Summary: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain

2. Give hones and sincere appreciation

Part 2: “Six Ways to Make People Like You”

Chapter 1 “Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere”

Principal #1: “Become genuinely interested in other people”

If we want to make friends, then do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness.”

If we want to make friends, greet people with enthusiasm. Showing interest in the other person shows them that you care about them.

Chapter 2 “A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression”

Principal #2: “Smile”

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. I’m glad to see you. The author cautions that an insincere grin doesn’t fool anyone.

Chapter 3 “If You don’t Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble”

Principal #3: “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language”

Most people don’t remember names because they don’t take the time to concentrate and repeat the name to fix it in their minds.

Chapter 4 “An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist”

Principal #4: “Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves”

“Harvard president Charles W. Eliot, ‘There is no mystery about successful business intercourse…Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.’” (pg 82)

“Issac F. Marcosson, a journalist who interviewed hundreds of celebrities, declared that many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively. ‘They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open…Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.’” (pg 87)

Chapter 5 “How to Interest People”

Principal #5: “Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.”

Chapter 6 “How to Make People Like You Instantly”

Principal #6: “Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.”

The desire to be important is “the deepest urge in human nature.” (pg 95). So, make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

The author says that all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.”  (pg 98)

In Summary: Six Ways to Make People Like You

 1)     Become genuinely interested in people

2)     Smile

3)     Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

4)     Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

5)     Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

6)     Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely

 Part 3: “How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking”

Chapter 1 “You Can’t Win an Argument”

Principal #1: “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it”

“Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right...You can’t win an argument.” (pg 110)

“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.” (Benjamin Franklin) (pg 112)

The author offers up some suggestions on how to avoid getting into an argument;

1)     Welcome the disagreement. You may hear a point you hadn’t considered

2)     Don’t get defensive

3)     Control your temper

4)     Listen first

5)     Look for areas of agreement

6)     Be honest

7)     Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully

8)     Thank your opponent’s sincerely for their interest

9)     Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

Chapter 2 “A Sure Way of Making Enemies – and How to Avoid It”

Principal #2: “Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong’”

“If you can’t be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time, why should you tell other people they are wrong? You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words – and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never!” (pg 116)

“If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong – yes, even that you know is wrong – isn’t it better to begin by saying : ‘Well, now look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.” (pg 117-118)

Chapter 3 “If You’re Wrong, Admit It”

Principal #3: “If you’re wrong admit it quickly and emphatically”

“Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say – and say them before that person has a change to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.”  (pg 129)

“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.”  (pg 131)

Chapter 4 “A Drop of Honey”

Principal #3: “Begin in a friendly way”

The author tells a fable about the sun and wind arguing which was stronger. “The wind said, ‘I’ll prove I am. See that old man down there with a coat? I bet I can get his coat off him quicker than you can. So, the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him. Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man. Presently, he moped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.” (pg 142)

Chapter 5 “The Secret of Socrates”

Principal #4: “Get the other person saying yes, yes immediately”

“In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing – and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose…Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying ‘no’” (pg 144)

“The Socratic method was based on getting a ‘yes yes’ response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.” (pg 148-149)

Chapter 6 “The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints”

Principal #6: “Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.”

“Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking. Let the other person talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So, ask them questions…listen patiently and with an open mind.” (pg 150)

Chapter 7 “How to get Cooperation”

Principal #7: “Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers”

“No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted with about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.” (pg 156)

Letting the person feel that the idea is his or hers works everywhere.

Chapter 8 “A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You”

Principal #8: “Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view"

People may be totally wrong but they don’t think so…don’t condemn them. Try to understand them. There is a reason the other person thinks, acts and feels as he does. Figure out that reason(s). Success in dealing with other people depends on how well you understand the other person’s viewpoint.

Chapter 9 “What Everybody Wants”

Principal #9: “Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires”

Carnegie provides a “magic phase” that will eliminate ill feeling and stop arguments. “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” (page 167)

Chapter 10 “An Appeal That Everybody Likes”

Principal #10: “Appeal to the nobler motives”

Most people want to do what’s right.

Chapter 11 “The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?”

Principal #11: “Dramatize your ideas”

Chapter 12 “When Nothing Else Works, Try This”

Principal #12: “Throw down a challenge”

“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” Charles Schwab. Frederick Herzberg, a behavioral scientist studied thousands to people and found that the best motivator wasn’t money, working conditions or fringe benefits. What motivated people the best was the work itself. If it was exciting and interesting, employees looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.” People love the opportunity to self-express…to prove their worth.

In Summary: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1)    The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

2)     Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong

3)     If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

4)     Begin in a friendly way

5)     Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately

6)     Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

7)     Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

8)     Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

9)     Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

10)  Appeal to the nobler motives

11)  Dramatize your ideas

12)  Throw down a challenge

 Part 4: “Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment”

Chapter 1 “If You Must find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin”

Principal #1: “Begin with praise and honest appreciation”

Chapter 2 “How to Criticize – and Not Be Hated for It”

Principal #2: “Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly’”

Avoid offering praise and then say “but” before launching into criticism. The word “but” erases the earlier praise and causes the recipient to question the sincerity of the praise. Instead, rather replace “but” with “and”. The use of “and” gets your point across without offending or arousing resentment.

Chapter 3 “Talk About Your Own Mistakes first”

Principal #3: “Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person”

“Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them- can help convince somebody to change his behavior.”

Chapter 4 “No One Likes to Take Orders”

Principal #4: “Ask questions instead of giving orders”

“Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.”  

Chapter 5 “Let the Other Person Save Face”

Principal #5: “Let the other person save face”

Vitally important.

Chapter 6 “How to Spur People On to Success”

Principal #6: “Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your appreciation and lavish in your praise.”

“Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it come across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good. Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody want insincerity.” (pg 219)

Chapter 7 “Give a Dog a Good Name”

Principal #7: “Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.”

If you want to improve someone in a certain respect discuss with that person as though that trait was already a strength. “The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.” (Samuel Vauclain, President of Baldwin Locomotive Works).

Example: “Jack since I left this morning, I realized I hadn’t given you the entire picture of our new line, and I would appreciate some of your time to tell you about the points I omitted. I hare respected the fact that you are always willing to listen and are big enough to change your mind when the facts warrant a change.” (pg 323) How could Jack refuse? 

Chapter 8 “Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct”

Principal #8: “Use Encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.”

Chapter 9 “Making People Glad to Do What You Want”

Principal #9: “Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.”

Effective leaders keep the following in mind when trying to change behavior or attitudes:

 1)    Be sincere – don’t promise anything you can’t fulfill

2)     Know exactly what you want the other person to do

3)     Be emphatic – ask yourself what it is the other person really wants

4)     Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest

5)     Match those benefits to the other person’s wants

6)     When you make a request be sure to tie in how fulfilling that request will benefit the other person personally

It’s not likely you will always achieve the results you desire when using this approach but your chances of success are increased.

 In Summary: Be a Leader

 1)     Begin with praise and honest appreciation

2)     Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

3)     Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

4)     Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

5)     Let the other person save face

6)     Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”

7)     Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

8)     Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

9)     Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest